I strongly advocate the institution of marriage. Marriage is all about togetherness. It is about two different individuals coming together, of experiences, of the joys of starting a family, of tears and happiness. And fights too… Yet, when the basis of marriage- companionship and happiness- is threatened, I wonder why the option of divorce is scorned upon in society.
Statistically, divorce rates in India are far lower than what it is in western counties. Of course there has been a general rise in the trend, but this is restricted to urban-metro cities. When we look at the teeny weeny villages, tier 2 towns and other rural and semi-rural regions, divorce rates are minimal. Is this because, we Indians are happy in our marriages, and we don’t really have issues of compatibility and happiness, with our spouse? Well, I thought so too…..Until recently……..
My cousin Radhika was having issues with her marriage. Though well-educated and employed her husband Venkat had a short fuse. The smallest of small matters would irk him. After enduring his temper tantrums for 12 years, Radhika finally decided to call it quits. “There seems to be no togetherness or love in the marriage. It’s just an arrangement of sorts,” she lamented to me. And that is when all hell broke loose at her home. Her parents were hysterical. A flurry of advices floated. ‘You need to adjust’. ‘Every marriage has issues and this does not mean you walk out’. ‘Everybody goes though similar issues’. ’There are fights in every marriage, aren’t people staying together? ‘etc…
But Radhika was obstinate. It would be a mutual divorce, with equal settlement of the finances. As a last resort to keep their daughter’s marriage intact, her parents started working around the Divine God himself. What followed were visits to temples in an attempt of penance.
As I sat talking to people that day, I realized despite the economic independence of women, urbanization, changes in societal roles etc… Divorce is still a taboo. I picked 5 reasons that were commonly echoed.
Reason 1: The Family Reputation- The Big Bang Reason
We Indians live in a close knit community. Family, friends, neighbours society etc… are inter-linked and blended into our lives. Their influences are strong and opinions affect us. Thus, we have grave concerns about any kind of negative opinion they could brew about our family reputation.
Reason 2: Respectable Family girls don’t divorce
Absurd as it may seem, a family’s respect lies in the conduct of the women folk. And divorce is look at as an “unrespectable” act. Walking out of a marriage could put a question mark to the respect the family commands.
Reason 3: Living alone is not easy. It’s a dangerous world out there
However financially independent a lady may be, living a life on her own isn’t going to be easy. A girl always needs the support of her man. And staying away from him would probably bring in more trouble. She could be tagged as “readily available” and unwanted men may pry on her.
Reason 4: The Social Outcasts/Stigma
Here is another absurd reason. The concept of being a “Suhagan” (staying married with husband being alive) is upheld high in Indian society. On most social gatherings and festive occasions, “Suhagans” are given importance and are well attended to in comparison to a widow or a Divorcee. Often such individuals are kept away from important rituals
Reason 5: The question of remarriage
Though our society has opened up considerably to the idea of remarriage, there still are issues that crop up in case of divorcee remarriage, starting with a big doubt on the character of the divorcee. And a divorcee with a child? Well it could just get tougher.
Surprisingly I realized the rules were more flexible for a man if he were divorced!
In a country where we spend enormous amounts of money on a wedding, ending it is scorned upon predominantly because a marriage is coming together of two families. A divorce means a rift or split between the families and not actually the individuals concerned. Even if a relationship genuinely requires a split, it never does make it to divorce- the families just hush up the matter.
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That was a very interesting read, I really enjoyed it, and hats off to your friend who against all odds did what she had to do. It cant be easy…. I think even here in Europe the ideal is the happy marriage, and what most people strive for. But sometimes it just doesnt work out, even though you try and try. There can also be abuse physical and psycoligical. So in order to save yourself you need to break out. I think it is wrong to judge another human being – no matter what:-)Thanks:-)
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It is brave of her to seek divorce after 12 years of her marriage. Commendable. There is absolutely no reason to stick on to something if there is no love. And I should agree with the reasons given by you. They are infact why divorce is a a taboo in our country.
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You bring out valid points here… I think women need to get out of unloved marriages and no matter what family or society says, we need to stop being in unloved marriages.. Marriage or divorce, as long as one is happy, it should be a personal choice…
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Those are some very valid points… It’s time people gave up their crappy reasons and stopped women from freeing themselves of a marriage which is more a burden than anything else… everyone has a right to live and its time we started respecting that…
Sharing it on twitter…
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If only Divorce was so simple, we would have had lesser suicides by the women. Many women do think, the end of marriage is death or suicide. Our laws are also not women-friendly leading to many issues for the woman. If she is not financially independent, then she has an uphill task. Good one.
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great points and all valid. I have also seen women who would continue to sulk, stay unhappy and bear everything but never call it quits. And those are the reasons.
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When my brothers announced their intent to divorce, my parents told them that they were disappointed because they “raised them better than that. To weather difficult situations with strength and to not give up.” I was surprised by their stance, they never said anything when other family members divorced.
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It sounds really difficult to survive as a divorced person. I think that’s true in so many places but it seems worse so where you are, which is unfortunate.
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Beautiful validation !!
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Well a daughter’s divorce, is a troll in the mother’s report card. If the parents divorce, god forbid they a have daughter… who will marry the girl, particularly if the custody is with the mother.
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