A post from my archives, supporting #FairsexFairsay, an intiative by icanhelp.in, to help women with reproductive issues.
She looked weak and tired. Four deliveries and two abortions had reduced her to a mere frame. Sangeetha has been my domestic help for three years now, and the least I could do was to offer her a cup of hot “chai” and hear her out. As we sat sipping, I delicately framed the questions. “Sangeetha, are you aware of contraceptive options?” She looked up with a face of guilt. “Didi”, she spoke in chaste Haryanvi, “I do have the monthly pills that are freely distributed at the charitable hospital. But they make me feel so groggy that I am unable to do my daily chores. And besides I often forget to have them in the night.”
“Have you spoken to a doctor about it? I am sure there are other options”, I said. Sangeetha replied, “The doctor suggests surgery but that’s possible only after six months. My blood pressure and HB count are low at the moment”. I asked her, “What about your husband? He could opt for a surgery or for that matter use protection”. Sangeetha shot back a surprised look. “You must be joking Didi. Why would a man ever get an operation done and risk losing his Mardangi? And besides he does not like the use of protection. So he leaves it all to me.”
Image for representation purpose only.Source icanhelp.in
I met Rashmi at Starbucks. In a big city, such as Delhi, so caught up are we in our own lives that meetings with old time friends are few and far between. As we sat sipping the frothy coffee, I couldn’t help but notice the sullen eyes and the dark spotty pigmentation on her skin. This wasn’t the same energetic woman I had known a few months back. I casually remarked on the pigmentation I had noticed. “Oh well, these are just a few of the side effects of the birth control pill I have daily. With two children to run behind, plus the pressures of my corporate life, it is the easiest contraceptive option”, she said. Wouldn’t it be easier to opt for a surgery? Considering it doesn’t come with these side effects”, I asked. Rashmi replied “I have considered the option, but so occupied am I with work and kids that being hospitalized for 2-3 days for the procedure seems impossible”.
“Well then Ajay could opt for a surgery. In that way, you could take care of the kids, manage home and work too”, I said. She was quick to snap back, “You must be kidding right? When have men ever gone for sterilization, (except for the forced program during emergency period)?”
“But what about protection? I am sure that shouldn’t be a problem for him. She said, “Ajay isn’t comfortable. He goes by the popular thought, “Real men don’t use rubber!!!! So he leaves it all to me. I sat on my bed that night thinking of my conversations with the two women. There seemed to be a distinct similarity in both- of shouldering contraceptive responsibility in entirety. In a patriarchal society such as ours, most women find it easier to pop a pill, rather than convince their partner to use protection. Even if this means, infections and menstrual problems from usage of intra-uterine devices or, mood swings, nausea, depression or weight gain from oral pills.
With male sterilization, not being well accepted in society, the no-scalpel vasectomy procedure is seldom opted for, though this procedure is less invasive and less risky than the tubectomy. The tag of “Namarad” by society prevents many, despite this not having even an aorta of truth. Why are things so skewed up?
From false ego, to lack of information and a strong prevalence of social taboos, the reasons are plenty to prevent our men from being a part of contraceptive decisions. Recently, laboratories on a global level have been innovating contraceptive pills for men. It could well take a long time for this to see the light of the day. But when it does, would it be accepted with open arms- the way women have taken to the pill?
I ponder on…
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Very well-written. Contraception should be the concern of both genders.
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well written, but out of curiosity, did Rashmi even broach the subject with Ajay? sometimes it is just about a conversation. Still important do these women think their men will be lesser men post surgery? I am not questioning you, but I am genuinely curious, since I am looking at the lost conversations, for my thesis work and this is something I did not think about.
Again this is vulgar curiosity, do these ideologies bother you? so how do you plan to deal with it?
Please you do not have to answer these when I read the post I felt like I was in a direct conversation with you.
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There’s a valid point u hav raised that I have not actually delved into much in my post. Women are equally a party to the thought process that exists about men shouldering the contraceptive responsibility. Both sangeetha and Rashmi don’t seem to have had a conservation in adequacy with their spouses.. Reasons their own….The problem is in our thought processes and it looms socially at large, both among men and women. And yes they do bother me.. Hence 1) the post was up… 2) get the next gen to think…hoping that when my kids produce their kids they’d pass on a more positive thought process… Hope I have answered ur queries to satisfaction Parvati. If there’s anything I could do to help u in your thesis work, please feel free to get in touch.
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definitely, when I asked you this it is from place of being there, my relationship with my spouse went tatters because I went by so many social presumption, it took us nearly two years to bring the conversations back. Since then I have been working with lost conversations. :) Thank you for not ridiculing my queries.
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No problem… there were honest questions and i had to give u honest answers. Cheers!
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No protection because it doesn’t give pleasure enough. No sterilisation because it takes away the feeling of being a mard.
And all those stupidity goes on because women succumb.
You wrote something that people normally shy away from even acknowledging.
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You have brought out a very valid concern clouding our society. Birth control is the responsibility of both sexes and not just the woman. The GoI initiatives had those commercials which spoken of mardangi alive after vasectomy but the apprehensions remain. I’m glad you picked this topic up. Great post!
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What a true story you narrated and men doing it all don’t even realize that it is their responsibility as well.. and sub consciously put the entire thing on women! Men’s contraceptive pill should change lot of things in the society and it’s high time it should be introduced!
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A very interesting perspective, to be honest I had never really thought in that angle. I mean it is so easy to take sensitivity for granted and yet these are the things that are glaring in front of us. The post asks a very important and valuable question.. Kudos to the research that is going on, I really hope there will be more education on it soon :)
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