She lay on a charpoy, a thin sheet covering from head to toe. The hot April day, and the warm afternoon breeze made the sleepy village seem like a ghost town. Raja ka Tal is a small farming village in district Firozabad. It is here that I first met Poonam in a health camp.
“Bibiji, bachcha nahi ho raha he. Dawayee dijiye” (I am not having a baby. Give me medicine), she said. The treatment of Poonam’s primary infertility was beyond the scope of the mobile camp and the tiny village Raja ka Tal. She was handed over a referral slip for a check-up at Firozabad’s government hospital. She faintly nodded. I saw a tear drop down her eye when she left the camp.
Six months later, I saw a dead Poonam. Her body had thinned down considerably. “Bimar pad gayee, khana hajam nahi ho raha tha. Mar gayee” (She fell ill, couldn’t take food anymore and passed away), said her mother. I saw her husband Rajbir at a distance, quiet and somber.
I got the complete story from her friend Savitri. Poonam was married three years after puberty. Even after a year of marriage Poonam had not conceived. The taunts started and soon Rajbir decided to marry again. It was for the want of a baby. The bride was none other than Poonam’s younger sister. For Poonam’s parents it was a win-win situation. Both daughters married at the cost of just one. Within a month of this marriage, the news of an impending pregnancy reached Poonam. That is when the first signs of depression were noticeable. She would cry often, have temper tantrums, and develop low degree fever. For those around her, it meant, she had gone mad. No efforts were made to treat her. It wasn’t really a priority. Within a span of four months, Poonam lay dead.
Cut to Bangalore.
I met Anusha at a plush coffee shop. The first thing I noticed was the disheveled hair and sullen eyes. “I have started my IVF and it’s taking a toll, physically and mentally”, she said. A long silence followed. This wasn’t the same energetic woman I had known five years back. Ashok works late and travels often. But he still manages to be around for the IVF schedule. His presence is required, medically. Apart from this, we really don’t talk much.
“Why don’t you adopt?” I asked. She said, “My in-laws had been dead against our love marriage. According to them, we are going through this infertility, because we chose to marry without horoscopes being matched. Ashok would not go against them a second time. They wouldn’t accept a baby that is not their blood. I hope God blesses me with a baby soon. I feel void and empty. It is killing me”.
First signs of depression?
Whether it is Raja ka Tal or Bangalore, the brunt of infertility is often faced by women. There exists in society, a certain element of stigma when a woman is unable to conceive. At a time when she needs mental support, she gets the taunts and bears the blame.
Much as it is important biologically, for a woman to conceive, not being able to should not be the end of the road. Adoption regulations in India are getting easy, with even single women going in for one. A baby is all that matters for a childless couple. And adoption may well be the answer. It would reduce the mental trauma on the woman and provide a home to a child. It would bring about happiness in more than one life.
Not having a child, going through the trauma of IVF and ofcourse the taunts and sarcasm from family and relatives… its sad, so freaking sad! There is a similar case in my own family… and it is so painful.
I have decided to adopt a kid if I don’t have my own.
Thanks for sharing Ramya!
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Thats really nice Archana. Wish more people shared your thought on adoption
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This is such a heartfelt post. A very close friend went through it and three trial, no success and she suffered a lot at the hands of ‘trying to be helpful’ relatives. God, it was heartbreaking even listening to it. I don’t know if I would have been able to deal with that kind of pressure.
Great post. Thanks for sharing it.
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Thanks Aditi. And as you said,, it does become stresful for the lady… almost always
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It is so sad that there is no difference between the mentality prevailing in a small town in UP and a big city like Bangalore. Even education has not been able to make the difference. And why is that the man’s parents are so challenged in their thinking process?
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Yes unfortunately this is the way things are!!!
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True?
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Whether it’s trying to have a child or choosing not to. People are always out to judge you. Great post Ramya.
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Thanks you Flo
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That stigma–it’s one of the things I truly do not understand, particularly as it is no one’s fault.
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I imagine that any woman longing to bear a child who is struggling to conceive already feels bad enough without having family or society judge and criticize her. I did not realize there was stigma and other bureaucratic complications related to adoption.
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There is still stigma about adopting here in the US. This desire to have a baby can make some people miserable, and that’s very sad.
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I went through a period of infertility and it was awful, then I was finally blessed with 2 healthy babies. A girl, and then a boy 5 years later. How awful. I can’t imagine the pressure those poor girls are under. What a sad story. I can’t imagine even dealing with a baby so young.
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i really like how you shared this, by describing these women’s experiences, and your interactions with them, but allowing their stories to tell the message, and not letting your own medical knowledge and experience overshadow theirs. that’s a tricky thing to do and you tell it well.
it sounds like you do some really important, much needed work, caring for these women who battle with infertility and depression. keep on doin’ what you do and writing about it. =)
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Reblogged this on Me Otherwise and commented:
Why do women bear the brunt of infertility?
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Its a very good post. I dont think there is any counselling available for the couple who are unable to have a child. And even if it exists, I dont know if it is socially acceptable. I know a few couples who are facing this issue. It is how they react to it, that makes or breaks them.
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There is often so much pressure put on women who do not have children. Sometimes there are just certain things beyond your control.
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Great post with a lot of food for thought! Why is it necessary for the society that all married couple must have children? Why are women looked down upon, instead of showing compassion, when she fails to carry a child in her womb? Why is depression overlooked? Why are we still called human when we fail to show humanity?
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